Tell me that you're alright

Stress is the cause of my blogging. I have been so stressed lately. I have three F's and one D. Don't get me wrong its only the end of the nine weeks not semester but still i knew this year was gong to be hard but not this hard. I try so hard to get them up but it seems like it is impossible. I am always doing some kind of work but its never enough. My friends and even teachers have told me how much of a failure i have been this year. I hate it. That is one thing that i have anxiety about is being a failure. I had an anxiety attack the other day because of this stress. It doesn't help that me and Lindsey are basically the only ones that do anything for Student Council. Have i taken on to much this year? Who knows it kind of feels like it but i would hate to have nothing on my plate, i have to have a challenge but i am not sure i want THIS big of a challenge....

I have been working out lately but this stress is not helping me lose weight, yeah i have lost five pounds but that is not good enough. I want to lose more. I wish i had the genes to just naturally be skinny. I feel like everyone around me is so pretty except for me... ugh. Hopefully in time i will shed pounds like crazy.

I am done complaining for now.

Day Three. (:

A picture of you and your friends.

Well this one was not hard to figure out who i was going to pick. Cody ( our gay but not really best friend)  and Paige. My two best friends. I don't think they understand how much i love them. They are always there for me no matter what. I cant tell them anything, or if i do not want to say it out loud but Paige knows what i am talking about while Cody sits there clueless because he doesn't quiet get our girl talk. ;)  I go everywhere with them, and lets just say no matter what we do we still have an adventure. (: i love you guys and hope we can stay friends fora long time!

*BOMB!
*"Engaged"
*RED LIGHT!
*Creeping on people
*Forks. ;)

Day Two. (:

The meaning behind your Blog name
 

Well its out of a song i like, Meet you there by Augustana. This one is pretty lame because i dont know what else to say. (:

Day One. (:

A recent picture of you, and fifteen facts.

1. I was born with my intestines on the outside.
2. My best friend and i are 18 hours apart
3. I hate feet, but my first tattoo is going on my right foot.
4. I absolutely love music, and want it to be my major when i go to college
5. I am terrified to get in a car wreck, i freak out if i get close to another car.
6. I want to change the world
7. I have recently became a vegetarian.
8. I am a big bitch, but I have the biggest heart in the world
9. I have anxiety attacks, because i am scared of loosing everyone close to me.
10. I think it would be cool to live in Germany one day
11. I try and work hard at school because i want to do something with my life.
12. I have a great relationship with my parents and love it
13. I am not a very interesting person but i try to be.
14. I act crazy because i don't care what people think of me, and i think that might be a bad thing.
15. I think about way to much

i need somebody and always

Im going to try this. It seems fun, and is a way for people to get to know me. (: 

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself 

Day 02- The meaning behind your Blog name 

Day 03- A picture of you and your friends 

Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have

Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to

Day06- Favorite super hero and why

Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you

Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why

Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days

Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad

Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends

Day 12- How you found out about Blogspot and why you made one

Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently

Day 14- A picture of you and your family

Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play

Day 16- Another picture of yourself

Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why

Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have

Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them

Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future

Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy

Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else

Day 23- Something you crave for a lot

Day 24- A letter to your parents

Day 25- What I would find in your bag

Day 26- What you think about your friends

Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge

Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?

Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned

Day 30- Who are you?

There is a drug that cures it all

 

So really haven't blog a lot lately been busy i suppose. So here are some updates Terry and Ashley are having a girl. (: YES!. Paige and I have yet to break or record of how many days we hangout straight, still at 4 but by the end of the summer it will happen! (: Been hanging out with Cody and Paige a lot lately. I'm going to be 16 in 28 days, time for a job soon. Oh my. I Cant wait.

So i went with Ash and Terry to go get their sonogram to see what they were going to have. It was also a check up to make sure that everything was connecting together right and the baby was okay. Luckily everything was fine and the baby was healthy. They told us that the umbilical cord was perfectly attached and the stomach had formed right, this made me feel so good inside. I was born with my intestines on the outside with a whole in my stomach, everyone knows this. Its not genetic its just something that happens, and i know that but i was worried about their baby. I mean yeah i don't have any health problems because of it just when i was born the surgery and regular things after that, but the scars hurt more than anything. I live knowing that my stomach will always be dis formed because of it, i will never look like anyone else, i will never be able to have abs or anything because of scar tissue (not that i have to worry about that because i m not skinny at all but still)  I will ALWAYS  have big hips because my belly button is higher than everyone else so it makes my hips look huge. I don't mind being unique but its something i think about all the time, its something that i have to look in the mirror everyday. Sometimes i am fine with it, but sometimes i wish i could change it so bad. But i am glad she will never have to go through this.

Well anyways now that i have let out what i needed too, i am going to go clean my messy room. (: text me.

Around a sun some say, is giong to be the new hell some say

Its hard to think that school is already almost out, my brothers are graduating in three days, life goes by so fast. Ive been so busy lately all i have been doing is school work sleeping and trying to make the best out of the rest of the year, its been so hard to keep up this year. I feel so lazy, i have slacked off so much this year, looking back i hate it, i hate what i have become in school, i used to work so hard at my grades and take pride in them now i don't bare to even look at them myself because they are so bad. I hope next year i will be on task doing what is needed to be done. This summer is going to be wonderful i cant wait i got the best of friends to make it worth while. My brothers girlfriend Ashley is going to move in at the end of the summer, not like she doesnt stay here every weekend. I dont think they are giong to get married for awhile. I think it will be good, they are not getting married because she is pregnant, my parents have tought us better than that, you diont just get married because you have a kid with someone you get married because you love someone. They have been engaged for awhile but i thinik they will wait longer which is good with me, why rush when they will always love each other. My list of things to do this summer are:
*Getting in shape
*Moving David into the workshop
*STUCO camp
*Band camp
*Link crew stuff
*Having fun with friends living life!
*Do me and paiges special project
*Go see DMB
*Go see JACK FREAKING JOHNSON!
*Find someone who will love me for me
Im so ready for school to be out only six more days. Whoo

Please dont go away

I haven't been on here in awhile so here is all what has happened, prom went good i had fun. My brother got prom King, hell yeah! (: Trying to get my grades up still they are slowly but surely going up. Haven't really talked to him since prom, but oh well we all knew nothing was going to come out of it. I have a boy that actually will make me happy, and who likes me for me. That is all i need. Cant wait till summer, only like three more weeks. Heck yeah.

^I didn't intend on have a picture like that but it was so cute.(:

oh please just let me please break down

 

How can you just tell me that and not expect me to cry, you hit my weakness. You hit where it hurts the most, something i think about everyday. You think i want to be like this, hell no i don't. Its not something i can change in a week, i am trying my best, but obviously its not enough. You say don't do anything drastic but its hard not to when your bringing me down. I get enough of it from myself i don't need you input. Thanks a lot. I hate being weak.

Happy Earth Day, hopefully you smiled at that picture.

My cousins baby shower was so fun today, tons of food and family. She got a lot of things that she is going to need which is good. I remember when she was my age, the years have flown by so fast its crazy. Landon is going to be so cute plus i get to babysit him, even better! I also can not wait to throw Ashley a baby shower, and for her to have her baby i know she still has six months to go but still like i said time flies by. Its getting scary that in two years i will graduate, that is weird. I am so not ready for that, when you leave high school its a slim chance that you sill stay in touch with any of your friends, only the closes.I am not ready to take on responsibilities of being a adult yet, no quite. These next two years need to go by slow so i can enjoy them.

Lately o have been hanging out with Brigham, Cody, and Paige and its so fun. We act so crazy, and don't even care.I love it. These are the people i know will be there for me. (:

 This boy still makes me smile, and gives me butterflys, i could sit there and talk to him forever. Boy i want you so bad. (:

Prom is not in less than a week! fuck. (: 

your better tahn the best, (:

 

Boy you seriously make me smile, as Paige says i am crushing hard. i want you and nothing but you. At first i was trying so hard not to like you because what happened before, but now i cant hide it. I like you more than ever. Jus to let you know i saved the text you promising me it wouldnt happend again. (: im holding you to it.

Well summer is coming up and i cant wait to be able to soak up the sun, hang out with the best friends, and just live life up not worrying about anything. I have a feeling this summer is going to be the best, and im ready for it.
 I got to see pictures of the baby yesterday, oh my goodness i cant wait for "it" to be born, it will be the cutest thing in the world. Most def. (:
This weekend i am hoping to hangout with Cody and Paige, it would make my weekend! (:
Religion, religion, religion..... i believer there is a god, but i don't believe everything in the bible. there is my point of view. (:

Runaway love,

 

Childish acts from all of us, stupid things said, stupid things done. We all know it will never be the same, we all have different point of view on the whole story. I understand we will never understand where each other is coming from and it will never be the same. Its not just one persons fault, it all of ours. You cant go back and changes things so you just have to live for the day, and that's what i am doing is living for today. This has been going on for way to long its time it ends. Maybe one day we will all become friends, but not right now. Its not time so lets just have our distances and if our friendship is supposed to work than one day ill be there for you, but not right now. Goodbye for now.

If you just realize what i just realized,

So i feel as if i ruin things with everyone's relationships, as if i am a burden. We know that were not supposed to like each other but that doesn't matter, we adore each other, and wont stop till we get what we want. It is kind of hard to explain, but he makes me happy, smile like non-other, and other than my best friend is the only one that i feel understands me. We can sit down and have a conversation about everything and anything, serious stuff, things that bother us, and random things. I feel as if your what i need, i don't know what is going to be in store for the future or what all i know is i like you dear. (:

We can live like Jack and Sally if we want,

That Is it i got it, i am now officially executive secretary. (: i knew i was going to get it but it just feels so good having the title now, being up there at the top. Student council is like band to me, i love being apart of it. It not only keeps me busy but i feel like i have a voice in something. Just something im dedicated to and excited to be apart of again next year. This summer i will be going to summer camp for student council. So stoked! (:
Life has been pretty good lately, get to hang out with the best friends al ot more, not worry about guys because that is not my top priority right now enough though, it would be nice to be with someone. Cody and Paige have really made me smile the past few days just being able to hang out with them and have so much fun, i love it. (:
Jack Johnson is coming to Kansas, i need to go, i want to go, i am going i don't care what my parents say.Ah. I also can not wait for my brother and ashley to have their baby and my cousin to have hers, oh and cant forget Baby Berry. (: So many babies, that are going to be so cute.

Going to go to the gym soon, then giong running with the brother. (: im going to loose weight. Whoo!

I need this old train to breakdown,

 

Have you ever realized it was not her fault it was yours? You were not there when i needed you, you didn't care enough. It seemed like all you cared about was boys like it has always been. I chose to go to Greensburg and you didn't. I got so close to her the first night i felt like i could tell her so much and open up, tell her things i had never told you before. I was only got close to her one day and i told her thing that i hadn't even told you after 5 years. This is not a blog to talk trash on you, its a blog to tell you its not her fault it yours. I can still be friends with you but i don't think you realize it will NEVER  be the same again, you have ruined the friend ship we had, there will always be the memories but never the friendship. I feel like i am friends with who i need to be right now and life is good. You can have your new friends that talk trash on you and ill have my friends that are always going to be there for me, no matter what happens. i feel at home right now and that is all i need. This is closure for me, and let it be closure you you too. (:

So heres your holiday, will you enjoy this time you gave it all away.

 

Why cant you just respect her. You love her really, why are you cheating on her and lying to her all the time. just because she wont always be on your command and give you what you want does not mean that you should not treat her how she needs to be treated. i know it was awhile ago but that does not make it any better that does not give you a reason to be a dick to her. she is so sweet and did nothing to you yet you still feel the need to do those things. goodness.

Had fun last night with Cody and Paige, we went to Walmart, dollar tree, family dollar, everywhere but no one had any fake mustaches! (: "this is going to sound really dumb but do you have any fake mustaches?" haha. We ended up at Brigham's like last weekend just chilling outside disturbing the peace.  His little neighbors were horn dogs. This little boy named tanner would go up to Paige and I and say you two are hot! (he was 10) and we would just say thank you, he starting bringing me flowers from his tree in his back yard, and ask for hugs. I didn't mind the hugs until i realized every time he would hug me he would look down my shirt! What a little creeper.

So you want me but have a girlfriend why don't you stay true to her, not try to flirt with me all the time i don't need no ex-girlfriend drama again. The other boy on the other hand is so complicated that i am getting fed up with him. He wants to flirt one day, and not the next. make up your mind do you like me or don't you, i cant read you mind tell me what is going through your pretty head. I am done trying to read you. Hopefully by prom you will have made up your mind. blehhhh

I am ready for summer, i want to go on a road trip. get away from everything and everyone. I wouldn't mind going on one with Cody and Paige. I think it would be fun. Me and my bestfriends, the people i can be myself around no matter what, the ones i can tell anything to. I would love it.

I feel sorrow for the fear And everything it brings

I'm almost over trying for you. I know you flirt with me all the time but you flirt with a lot of girls. I am going to wait and see but right now i am all most to my breaking point. I cant wait forever for someone who doesn't want me. ugh..

So went to the moc crisis today is was a blast, went on the air force base and everything. I was supposed to be someone who was burnt really bad and had to have an iv and oxygen. It was amazing, and i basically died because they didn't treat me like they were supposed to. (:

I need to go do some homework, bad! Goodbye blog.

Another sleepless night and still staring at the ceiling,

Goodness, im going to try and blog more than just once every other week. (: i cant wait until elections are done so much drama going on i hate it. there is no reason we can not be a team, but i guess we cant realize that. whatever.
 I cant wait till summer, im getting tired of school. Sleepless nights dont help waking up ealy. Im not sure why i cant sleep that well at night anymore, maybe it is bacause i have to much to think about at night, whatever it is i hate it.
I also hate how you flirt and flirt but wont admit you like me, get over yourself i know im not the prettiest of girls but at least give me a chance. i have the biggest heart, but you wouldnt know. Hopfully after prom you will realize, you want me.
Paige is in the other room so i suppose i should go hang with the best friend. (:

 

So, high school really does change people. For the better and the worse. I like to say its changed me for the best but i know some things have changed for the worst. There are some people i wish high school didn't change, people that i used to love being around now i cant stand them. Its all apart of growing up. But i believe everything happens for a reason so, live for today not tomorrow. Also if you think about it after high school usually you only talk to half of the people you went to school with. Only a selected few make it past high school and those are only the ones that mattered. High school has just got me thinking lately.



We finally getting over being sick for three weeks straight, I'm so happy. School is going to be out for summer pretty soon. I am really excited, not that i want to get away from everyone but i need sleep, and to stop stressing. My goals for this summer are:
*Get in shape from now until the start of school
*Go to a summer camp either a student council one, or this one i heard about today for kids trying to cope with have family that has cancer, it would be so much fun.
*Get a job
*Just have fun
*Oh and get a tan, hopefully

(:

Why do you build me up buttercup, (:

 

Finally getting better so i am not sick, still don't feel all the way better but i am getting there. I went a week felling horrible from bronchitis. It was great to go back to school today i will never say this again but i missed school. (: chemistry was the best i had fun in there and we were not just doing work we got to blow things up. I will never admit this to you but i like you, you make me smile a lot. (:(: Community service week next week i am exited to give back to the community it shall be fun. Well Im off to go class and listen to DMB mmmm i cant wait till their concert.

Don't tell me if I'm dying, Cause I don't wanna know

I drifting apart from everything. All existence. I like it. Not talking to any body all day, just sitting there in my room. Seriously. It all feels good. Im going to go in m y room and write. Probably fall asleep, i always do.

When i need someone to talk to you're always there. When i act so stupid, you are there to laugh at me. When i don't have anything to wear, i have your closet. When i need to just scream because she annoys me, you're there to scream with me. When i am so sleepy i come up with silly things (Rubber doors!) you just go with it. Late night calls with graham cracker, talking about "apples" ha-ha.  You understand me, and my flaws. I can tell you anything and everything i have never been able to do that with anyone. I love you best friend. Thank you for always being there for me, and times to come. (:

I need this old train to breakdown, oh please let me just breakdown

Its pouring rain, and these are the days i wish i could express how i feel in song writing, songs that someone someday would think were so beautiful. But until i learn how to do that i am stuck with this. I've been stressed, worried, depressed, just un-content lately. She weighs nighty-eight pounds, i am scared to death for her baby, but in the same since i am excited for her. I watched a movie last night that scared me to death, it was all my anxiety in one movie. I had to sit there and watch everything i am scared of just play on, i had to act like nothing was wrong, like it was the best movie i've seen in a long time. I never feel good enough anymore. i feel as if everyone looks down to me, as if i am not the same person i was, as if they are better than me. It hurts more than anyone will ever know. You send me so many mixed signals, but i know i will never be good enough for you, i understand that but i just wish oh i wish i could have you. Sorry i am not a "barbie" one day someone will like me for me, i hope.

  i am going to go write my grandparents a letter and listen to jack johnson, he always solves all my worries. One day he will be my man, and teach me how to write song so i don't have to express myself through this anymore. (:

Du bist schon, (:

 

Grades are finally coming up, not stressed anymore, i am happy again. (: Over the weekend Tyler was in the hospital because his lung collapsed, he had to have surgery and was in the hospital from Sunday to Wednesday. He is doing much better though and i Am happy. (: Tonight i am going to go see "Your a Good Man Charlie Brown" a musical that my school is putting on. I went last night with some friends but tonight its with the family. I'm excited but yet sad because i do not want the seniors to leave. We have a wonderful fine arts department because of them. I hate to say this but our play are going to go down the drain next year. :( Anyways time to get ready. (:

ps. My prom date is adorably cute and even though were going as friends i know your still jealous. (:

hello my name is mercedes, (:

 

Your up there in front of everyone, the spotlight is on you. One mistake and everyone will be talking about it. You have to read everything perfect, pronounce everything perfect, always smile, never look nervous. That is how i felt in front of everyone today. It was nerve wreaking. The funny thing is i loved it. Nerves going crazy, your Adrenalin is rushing! (: Plus Blain being up there helped me a lot. I love that kid. Now for tomorrow during the game, more people i don't know... Plus i wont be getting home until like Midnight. Who for STUCO. (: i love it. Today lets just say has been a really good day, still stressed like non-other though.

Weakness

      

         Ive been so stressed lately. My body cant handle it, today i woke up with the worst headache. So i was just going  to go into school late but when i woke back up for the second time i couldn't breath and hurt all over. No school for me. My grades are falling again, homecoming is coming up in two days, me and Blain have to do the speech tomorrow. Ugh just so much to do, so little time. I can't wait till this week is over.

It's a new day. (:

I have decided to go back to blogging, i need it. Its like one thing i can do to relieve some stress. Say things i usually wouldn't say. :) So a few days ago it was valentines day, and it kinda made me think about relationships more and more. You know everyone says high school is a place to have fun and not worry about boys, and i really believe that but sometimes i just wish i had someone to have, and hold. Its like everyone had someone to spend the day with, but me. My brothers always have their girlfriends over and we have a family dinner they eat with us and everything and i just wish i could have someone to bring home and eat dinner with, act stupid with, be able to look horrible and they will think i am still beautiful. I think that is why i liked him so much over the summer. That is exactly what a wanted.. i am Pathetic.